you don't need to tell me that i've been neglecting the old blog. i even forgot that it was my 3rd blogiversary on the 10th. i can't believe i've been writing for three years when i wasn't sure i could continue it for three days.
so, where have i been? i don't think it would be on over-exaggeration to say that i am somewhere between identity crisis and the worst possible me ever, between self-loathing and self-pity. not a pleasant place to be. is it surprising that i'm feeling a bit depressed?
this summer has not been very kind to me. i'm not sure what exactly caused this negativity. i'm pretty sure it's a combination of things :: my own propensity for mild depression (not officially diagnosed but it seems pretty obvious to me ... and rupert), being around both kids 24/7, rupert's health issue, and feeling really uncertain about my role in life.
besides not knowing whether i should embark on a search for a career outside of the home, i'm currently extremely unhappy with my parenting, which is technically my career. i don't feel like i'm good at it and my children are suffering because of it. i've blogged about this before on numerous occasions, and if i'm still struggling with this issue it's clear that i've never come to a satisfactory conclusion about why i'm not a good parent and, therefore, how i can become a better parent.
i know most parents have doubts every now and then about whether they are doing right by their kids. being self-critical and reflecting on parenting experiences makes most moms and dads better moms and dads. but i am seriously concerned all the time with my lack of improvement and an increased agitation with parenting in general.
dare i say it? i don't like parenting. and because i don't like parenting i think deep down i'm resentful. not towards anyone in particular, but just in general. this is where the self-pity comes in :: the "oh woe is me, my lot in life is so tragic" mentality kicks in and i feel sorry for myself. on top of that i start to feel powerless. that leads to frustration, like i don't have control over the direction my life is going.
and i'm afraid to admit i take my frustration out on the kids. my lack of patience with ian and maya is startling and cruel at times. i realize this, but i sometimes lack the control to stop myself. this summer, especially, i've noticed that what little interaction i have with the kids is mostly scolding them. not good.
another thing that worries me is that i am very conscious of what i should do to be a proper parent, but i can't do it. there must be something seriously wrong with me if i can't change my actions knowing full well what needs to be done. i feel like i'm not putting my kids first and foremost; that i prefer to be by myself than to spend time with them.
it scares me to think that, compared to other parents, i may not love my kids very much. is that possible? and if the answer is 'yes,' how horrible. would i love my kids more if i was less selfish? would i be less resentful if i just accepted the fact that with parenting comes great sacrifice? would i be more patient if i could remember that being my children is just as hard as being their parent? i feel like i need a complete overhaul of my attitude and actions in order to get out of this parenting rut (for lack of a better word).
part of that process may be for me to get out of the house and find something for myself away from the kids, as in, finally going back to work. it's also high time for maya to start pre-school and become more socialized with kids her age and other adult authority figures. (we dropped off her preschool application the other day to get on the wait list and she was quite excited about the prospects of going to "maya's school," so i think she's ready.)
having been out of the workforce for a few years now i'm not sure what i want to do. but, more importantly, i'm not sure what i can do. i've been looking at classified ads and i'm not sure i could get hired ... the thing is, though, i know i'm completely capable but i lack the confidence to put myself out there.
so the actual point of this post :: i'm going to disappear from the internet for awhile to focus on becoming a better me. to become a better parent. so that i can feel a bit happier than i am now.
my hope is that it won't take me too long ... wish me luck!