9.28.2005

vivid dreaming leads to introspection

as tired as i am, i've had some sleepless nights. it's just so uncomfortable. there are times when i feel like i'm sleeping consciously, as if i'm half awake and half asleep. because of that i remember my dreams more vividly.

early this morning i was sort of asleep, but i was also aware that i was dreaming and what i was seeing wasn't real. i was on an incredibly high bridge over a river. i had my legs dangling over the side, looking either way to see how wide the river was. in the background, someone who sounded like ord from "dragon tales" (a pbs cartoon), was saying that he had a friend who jumped off this bridge for fun. immediately to my right, i see my son (who can't swim) standing on the ledge of the bridge. "i can do it, too," he says. and before i can say anything, he lets go and i watch in silence as his little body falls and falls and falls. the bridge is so high. the longer i watch the more uneasy my legs feel, like they're going to give out from under me, even though in reality i'm lying in my bed. my eyes open before he hits the water.

i hate dreams like this one, but i wasn't too shaken up. i even went to the bathroom before checking up on the boy. i always do after a bad dream. i looked at his sleeping face and the calm i felt before vanished. just the thought of something happening to him, even in a dream, made me cry. if anything were to happen to my baby (as i still think of him sometimes) i would be devastated. that was the only word i could think of: devastated. so i stood there and just watched him sleep for a couple of minutes, trying to get a grip.

i realize that my pregnancy hormones are making me a bit more emotional than usual, but i had a hard time falling asleep after that. i lay in bed, thinking about how much my little boy means to me. even though i don't pay attention to him all the time and i go around doing my own thing, he really is number one in my life.

i haven't felt anything remotely similar to that with the girl in my belly. of course, i want to protect her and love her, but i don't yet know her. and, because of that, i'm not sure if i can shed tears for her the way i have for the boy. that's not to say i won't eventually feel the same way about both my children, but the boy has five years on the girl. five years of being an only child and being the sole light of my life. (JR is an entirely different kind of love, so i don't count him here.) i wonder if that will make a difference ...

6 comments:

grudge girl said...

Ok - first of all... ORD?! HA! Bwahahahahaha!!!

Your subconscious is hilarious.

Second - I have done exactly the same thing. All of it. The dreaming, the checking, the crying.

So I get this. Ethan was 6 before I had any other kids. Yes, you're hormonal. Yes, you're going to be a great mom to both your kids. Yes, your first will always be special to you in a different way. And yes, that's okay.

I think the dream is your fear of your relationship with boy changing. That's all. Totally normal.

He's going to be a wonderful big brother, just like Ethan.


And once more because it's so awesome... ORD?!?!!

Northern_Girl said...

Gaps between children are interesting - my girls are 7 1/2 years apart. When pregnant with the first, I didn't dream...at ALL. With the second, ALL the time - and interesting dreams - not unlike yours.

Just hang on...and treasure your time with them.

yucaree said...

well, i'm glad to hear that i'm having normal feelings for a mom about to have her second child. i think, because there'll be five years between the boy and the girl i'm just having some apprehension.

my own sister and i are 7 years apart and for so long we had nothing in common and, to a certain extent, i guess i resented her (for whatever reason). to this day i feel more like a mom than a sister to her, although we are getting to be much closer.

i'm just glad for the reassurance. thanks grudge girl and northern_girl!

p.s. i found it incredibly odd that ord was there, too! but would it be even odder if it was a person with the voice of ord?!

hobokener said...

Also remember that second children tend to be better looking, nicer, smarter, and better adjusted than their older siblings :)
-from a second child

New Teach said...

Although first children tend to be more successful, brilliant, and independent. (From a first child married to a second child - specifically, to hobokener.)

yucaree, thanks for posting to my blog! It was so cool to post and five minutes later see your comment and realize someone actually read it!

yucaree said...

hobokener and new teach: what can i say? i agree with new teach! ;) but i'll be darn lucky if the girl turns out as beautiful, smart and sensitive as the boy. as grudge girl says, your first does have a special place in your heart ... not that you're comparing!

new teach: i'm looking forward to reading your blog about jsc and seeing lots of pics once she's born!