as tired as i am, i've had some sleepless nights. it's just so uncomfortable. there are times when i feel like i'm sleeping consciously, as if i'm half awake and half asleep. because of that i remember my dreams more vividly.
early this morning i was sort of asleep, but i was also aware that i was dreaming and what i was seeing wasn't real. i was on an incredibly high bridge over a river. i had my legs dangling over the side, looking either way to see how wide the river was. in the background, someone who sounded like ord from "dragon tales" (a pbs cartoon), was saying that he had a friend who jumped off this bridge for fun. immediately to my right, i see my son (who can't swim) standing on the ledge of the bridge. "i can do it, too," he says. and before i can say anything, he lets go and i watch in silence as his little body falls and falls and falls. the bridge is so high. the longer i watch the more uneasy my legs feel, like they're going to give out from under me, even though in reality i'm lying in my bed. my eyes open before he hits the water.
i hate dreams like this one, but i wasn't too shaken up. i even went to the bathroom before checking up on the boy. i always do after a bad dream. i looked at his sleeping face and the calm i felt before vanished. just the thought of something happening to him, even in a dream, made me cry. if anything were to happen to my baby (as i still think of him sometimes) i would be devastated. that was the only word i could think of: devastated. so i stood there and just watched him sleep for a couple of minutes, trying to get a grip.
i realize that my pregnancy hormones are making me a bit more emotional than usual, but i had a hard time falling asleep after that. i lay in bed, thinking about how much my little boy means to me. even though i don't pay attention to him all the time and i go around doing my own thing, he really is number one in my life.
i haven't felt anything remotely similar to that with the girl in my belly. of course, i want to protect her and love her, but i don't yet know her. and, because of that, i'm not sure if i can shed tears for her the way i have for the boy. that's not to say i won't eventually feel the same way about both my children, but the boy has five years on the girl. five years of being an only child and being the sole light of my life. (JR is an entirely different kind of love, so i don't count him here.) i wonder if that will make a difference ...