12.07.2005

feeling blue

sorry i haven't posted in awhile. this week hasn't been the best ... i'm feeling a bit depressed and down. i guess the baby blues are kicking in now that the initial adrenaline rush of the birth has worn off.

it's weird, actually. this week has been better in that maya is sleeping more and the nights have gotten a bit easier. we haven't had any problems with the breastfeeding and she's eating well. JR has been very helpful around the house, making dinner and watching the kids in the evening. and, yet, i'm feeling out of sorts.

i know it's the hormones and the exhaustion from the lack of sleep, but i can't seem to get my butt in gear and get things done. JR is fine if i rest all day long (which is what i do) and don't do housework. but i'm not okay with that ... i know, crazy, huh? can you believe i'm not okay with the housework not getting done?!

i just feel like i should be able to do the simple things to keep the house at least slightly orderly. do a load of laundry and the dishes, sweep up, write some thank you cards, that kind of thing. but i'm finding that the day zooms by and i've spent many an hour sitting on the couch. it bugs me that i can't get up and throw some laundry into the washing machine. it bugs me that i can't get up and watch my son do his homework. it bugs me that, at the very least, if i'm not going to do housework i should be napping and i don't.

i just sit there, holding maya, but not really interacting with her. i sit there and feel very little. and what little i do feel leans towards the negative. don't get me wrong, i don't have postpartum depression; it's not that bad. but i'm clearly not feeling happy. i read somewhere that the baby blues are more common in second-time mothers, and i definitely feel it more than when ian was a newborn.

i also know that things aren't good because i'm finding myself reading my comic books a lot. to me that's a sign that i'm trying to escape reality. i know it sounds rather melodramatic, but i know me, and when i'm in this mood with a comic book in hand it means i'm trying to shut out things in my real life. not a good sign.

JR has been asking me if i'm all right for the last few days. i don't know what to say to him, so i just shrug and say i'm okay or i've had better days, but i don't elaborate. he doesn't press the issue and things go on their merry ol' way. i probably should tell him what i'm feeling, but 1) i don't know what i'm feeling, 2) i don't know what i want him to do about it, and 3) i don't want to get annoyed with him if he doesn't say/do what i want him to say/do (which would be difficult because i don't actually know what i want him to say/do). and he's already picking up the slack around the house and i guess i don't want to burden him with this.

in any case, i'm thinking about taking a little break from blogging. just a week or two to "regain my composure" and start feeling better. of course, if i have something to blog about i'll log in, but i don't want to feel like i have to blog when i don't really have a lot to say. instead, i hope to do some things to make me feel better -- maybe scrapbook or read or design our holiday card. i don't know yet, but i'm sure i'll think of something.

so i'll "see" you guys in a little while.

5 comments:

New Teach said...

I'm with you on this. I'm not feeling too great either - more overwhelmed than down, but they go together. I'm not even trying to do housework; it seems like all i can do to get her fed and changed. In fact, I'm impressed you're able to read comic books. Hey, there are worse vices. Let's talk.

grudge girl said...

Oh Yucaree,

I'm so sorry you're feeling blue. I remember that feeling. I had it with Simon. But I didn't with Charlotte. Which just confirms that it's hormonal or something, rather than some, like, character flaw.

I also understand not feeling able to communicate your feelings to Jordan. I hope you let him read this entry, because I think you do a darn good job of laying out the essential elements of what's going on with you.

I remember not being able to take a shower or put my clothes on some days until 5 p.m. I remember escaping onto the internet. I can't exactly remember how long this overwhelmed and exhausted bluesdom lasted, oddly, but Andy just recently told me that during that period he was really REALLY worried about me, and wondered if I should be medicated or something, but he was too careful of upsetting me and confused about how to act that he never told me about his worry. So he stressed in silence about it. I never knew at the time how much he wanted to help, and to do the right thing. I'm sure Jordan probably feels something close to this. That's why I suggest you let him read what you wrote here.

I wish I lived down the street, and could come drop by with Christmas cookies, and something soothing to drink, minus the caffeine.

You're wonderful. Housekeeping doesn't matter a speck in the scheme of everything, and you will be okay.

p.s. comic books rule

marygrace said...

awwww...hope things start looking up soon.

hobokener said...

Yuki - good luck to cheer up soon! I don't know what to say, but I certainly wouldn't worry about housework too much - take the siegelcritz method and eat take-out off of paper plates - does wonders for the diswashing. And I'm with new teach that there are worse things than reading comic books - whatever makes you feel good (or just escape the everyday realities of babies!).

yucaree said...

thank you everyone for your support. i know it's something many many mothers go through, and it means so much to me to know that i have this network of support and understanding.

i'm just taking each day as it comes; some days are clearly better than others. but i know i'll get through this. and i just have to remember that i'm usually okay with a messy house -- and i should be okay with a messy house now of all times, when i actually don't have the time or energy to take care of it!

thanks again everyone! i should be back to blogging next week.