sorry i haven't posted in awhile. this week hasn't been the best ... i'm feeling a bit depressed and down. i guess the baby blues are kicking in now that the initial adrenaline rush of the birth has worn off.
it's weird, actually. this week has been better in that maya is sleeping more and the nights have gotten a bit easier. we haven't had any problems with the breastfeeding and she's eating well. JR has been very helpful around the house, making dinner and watching the kids in the evening. and, yet, i'm feeling out of sorts.
i know it's the hormones and the exhaustion from the lack of sleep, but i can't seem to get my butt in gear and get things done. JR is fine if i rest all day long (which is what i do) and don't do housework. but i'm not okay with that ... i know, crazy, huh? can you believe i'm not okay with the housework not getting done?!
i just feel like i should be able to do the simple things to keep the house at least slightly orderly. do a load of laundry and the dishes, sweep up, write some thank you cards, that kind of thing. but i'm finding that the day zooms by and i've spent many an hour sitting on the couch. it bugs me that i can't get up and throw some laundry into the washing machine. it bugs me that i can't get up and watch my son do his homework. it bugs me that, at the very least, if i'm not going to do housework i should be napping and i don't.
i just sit there, holding maya, but not really interacting with her. i sit there and feel very little. and what little i do feel leans towards the negative. don't get me wrong, i don't have postpartum depression; it's not that bad. but i'm clearly not feeling happy. i read somewhere that the baby blues are more common in second-time mothers, and i definitely feel it more than when ian was a newborn.
i also know that things aren't good because i'm finding myself reading my comic books a lot. to me that's a sign that i'm trying to escape reality. i know it sounds rather melodramatic, but i know me, and when i'm in this mood with a comic book in hand it means i'm trying to shut out things in my real life. not a good sign.
JR has been asking me if i'm all right for the last few days. i don't know what to say to him, so i just shrug and say i'm okay or i've had better days, but i don't elaborate. he doesn't press the issue and things go on their merry ol' way. i probably should tell him what i'm feeling, but 1) i don't know what i'm feeling, 2) i don't know what i want him to do about it, and 3) i don't want to get annoyed with him if he doesn't say/do what i want him to say/do (which would be difficult because i don't actually know what i want him to say/do). and he's already picking up the slack around the house and i guess i don't want to burden him with this.
in any case, i'm thinking about taking a little break from blogging. just a week or two to "regain my composure" and start feeling better. of course, if i have something to blog about i'll log in, but i don't want to feel like i have to blog when i don't really have a lot to say. instead, i hope to do some things to make me feel better -- maybe scrapbook or read or design our holiday card. i don't know yet, but i'm sure i'll think of something.
so i'll "see" you guys in a little while.