i'm in a total funk

ugh. that's basically how i feel. can't explain it totally but i am not at 100% right now. far from it, in fact.

i know that part of the anxiety is coming from my ill grandfather. he's 91 and on his last leg. the last time i saw him was two years ago (he lives in japan) and he was fairly healthy then. i loved seeing him interact with ian and i want that for maya too. she may not remember him but, at the very least, i want them to meet.

my parents have offered to send me and maya to japan in early may. normally, going to japan is my favorite thing to do. however, i am having extreme anxiety about travelling with maya. there is no way a 12 hour flight is going to be pleasant with her. ian is a great traveller, but i don't see that with maya. she can't stand a 10-minute drive to her grandparents' house!

i'm trying to plan this trip but every time she fusses, insists on walking around, doesn't sleep, or screams in my ear, the only thing i can imagine is her doing that on the plane. and it makes my heart beat faster and my breathing shallower. i told rupert how i dreaded this trip, almost to the point of not wanting to go. his response was that he would be terrified if he were in my shoes. gee, thanks for the support and reassurance.

the other night was particularly bad. during her midnight feedings my mind was bombarded with all the negative feelings about this trip. as dawn approached and i was able to get in my last two hours of sleep i dreamt that i arrived in japan to visit my grandfather. but before we could head to the hospital my mom received a call that he had died. i was grief-stricken and extremely upset. why hadn't i come sooner? i was full of regret. when i woke up, i realized that it was a sign that no matter how horrible the flight may be to japan with maya, there is no way i cannot go. i have to do this.

but that doesn't diminish the amount of anxiety i have. not only does being on a plane with a difficult child give me the heebie-jeebies, but i can't find a reasonably priced flight, i don't know who's going to take ian to school and pick him up while i'm gone, i have to plan the school book fair before i leave, etc. etc.

but besides the trip, maya's lack of sleep is annoying me to no end. babies her age should get between 12 and 15 hours of sleep. on an especially good day she'll get a little more than 12 hours. normally, she gets about 10 or 11. my pediatrician didn't seem particularly concerned about this, but i can tell that maya could probably use a wee bit more sleep. she's not a particularly content child when she's awake (contrary to popular belief), and i think it's because she's overtired a lot of the time. when she's well-rested she's actually a very fun, adorable baby.

i'm currently reading healthy sleep habits, happy child by dr. marc weissbluth because it was recommended to me by a few people. i haven't yet formed a concrete opinion about this book. so far, some of what he's said makes sense. if what he says is true maya is overtired most of the time because we don't put her to bed early enough, and now she's in the bad habit of wanting to stay up late even though she's tired. the book stresses the importance of regular naps two or three times a day. even before the book we were getting to a somewhat normal napping schedule, but weissbluth doesn't count anything less than 30 minutes as a real nap. in that case, there are days when maya doesn't technically nap at all.

the book says to never wake a sleeping baby. but how realistic is that if you have a real life?! this is virtually impossible for me because maya is often in the middle of a nap when i have to either take ian to school or pick him up. i can't leave her at home so i end up having to wake her up, which often puts her in a not-so-pleasant mood. i can't change when ian goes to school and i'm finding it very hard to change when maya is ready for a nap.

i have to finish the book and see what i can do to establish healthy sleep habits. i have to do this soon because i'm not sure i'm going to last much longer. part of this funk i'm in is due to being tired all the time. and i know rupert is getting tired too. i don't know how other moms do it; i know a mom with three kids (the two youngest are like a year apart) and the 8-month old still doesn't sleep through the night. i have no idea how she continues to function!

and to make matters worse, i find myself starting to lay blame on rupert for a lot of things, which is unfair. i don't know if he gets the vibe, but i feel hostile towards him sometimes. i'm trying really hard not to let it come out, but there are times when i can't suppress a nasty comment. rupert has learned to ignore these, but i don't know if it makes him mad. in many ways we're both passive aggressive and although i'm more apt to verbalize my discontent, rupert often keeps mum. my feelings are all a-jumble so, frankly, i'm really frustrated with everything and on the verge of tears today.

i'm just afraid that since we're both tired we're more irritable and therefore more prone to taking it out on each other when we should be working together. so, rupert, if you're reading this, we need to talk.