let the festivities begin!

i'm not much of a halloween person, but the boys sure do enjoy it.

last night we headed off to J&D's house for a kid-friendly halloween party. J&D are probably the hippest people we know, but soooo down-to-earth and fabulous with kids. they don't have any kids of their own, yet they host wonderful parties for the little ones.

they had jack-o-lantern carving, cookie baking, movie watching, mac-n-cheese eating, craft making, and lots of picture taking activities waiting for us. we also got to see the boy's friend, C, who was an absolute doll dressed up as dorothy (her mom was glinda). the two of them are just a couple months apart in age and play so well together (maybe because they only see each other four or five times a year). it's always sweet to see two kids who just naturally click regardless of how long it's been since they last saw each other. and, to think when they were infants the boy was deathly afraid of C!

the boy went in his darth vader costume, and who should be there but a doggie version of princess leia. so, of course, we had to snap this picture! it kinda made me laugh that the dog was a boy and its danish-hair wig kept falling off.

tomorrow the boy's school has a halloween parade around the block and then he's off with JR (dressed as obi wan) to go trick-or-treating with some friends. i'll probably join them for a little while and then head home to pass out candy ... unless, of course, the girl decides she wants to be a halloween baby!

still nothin'

since i'm just sitting around waiting for the baby to come (my prediction was obviously wrong) i decided to finish up the applique for the boy. the cloud on the left still has to be completely stitched on, but it's pretty much done. i'm going to sew the entire thing on to the front of a canvas tote bag i bought to use as an overnight bag for when the boy goes to spend the night at his grandparents' house while JR and i are at the hospital.

i splurged and bought all kinds of new stuff for the boy to put in his overnight bag. it's kind of a "you're the special big brother" bag. i got him some new clothes, pj's, star wars underwear, a toothbrush, books, a bionicle, that sort of thing. i hope he likes it!

how can that be?!

despite crampiness and considerable discomfort last night, an internal exam this morning by my ob showed absolutely no progress in the baby-birthing department. the cervix was closed for business.

frankly, i'm suprised. i thought that by now i'd be at least a little bit dilated. it's not real pain, per se, but i'm feeling all kinds of stuff that i don't recall feeling with the boy. it just may be that my body went through some changes after the first birth and is now allowing me to experience a different kind of 9th month pregnancy. like my pelvis, for example. it hurts all the time -- when i walk, when i sit, when i get up, when i lie down, when i stand. is it going to continue hurting this badly when i'm actually going through labor? if so, this birth will not be so pleasant. (is it ever?)

perhaps i should rethink my prediction of when the girl will be born ... although, once the contractions actually start, she could come pretty quick. an acquantaince suggested i drink lots of raspberry tea to speed up the process. she got this advice from a friend in london, where, apparently, it's a very popular method.

but then i was reading a post about a pretty horrible birth on a medical school student's blog, which was almost disturbing. i know these kinds of births are rare, but still, you don't want to know about them right before your due date!

p.s. one piece of good news: i actually lost some weight! it's not unusual for weight gain to stop or decrease at this point, but it didn't happen with the last pregnancy so i'm quite thrilled! one less pound to worry about post-pregnancy.

i'm taking predictions

since yesterday i've been feeling pretty crampy and the braxton-hicks contractions seem to be coming a little more intensely. it may just all be in my head because i'm so anxious for the girl to be born, but if she's 10 days early like the boy was it wouldn't be odd for the first phase of contractions to start right about now.

so, anyone want to make predictions on when she'll arrive? here are the predictions from our family:

me and the boy: this saturday, october 29
JR: either this week or the week of november 14

the name game

we've had a name picked out for the girl for a long time. in fact, it's the name my parents were going to use for me, and it's the name we were going to use for the boy if he was a girl. it's a name we're very much set on, and we love it, because it works in english and japanese, is unique enough but not totally out there, and has a relevant story behind it (which i'll talk about in another post).

now comes the hard part: what to do about her middle and last names. JR's family is jewish so they use the baby's deceased great-grandparents' names as middle names. hence, the boy's middle name is JR's paternal grandpa's name (which, luckily enough, had a japanese equivalent). now, we could use JR's paternal grandma's name as the girl's middle name. but JR has two younger siblings and three cousins who could also potentially use the name for their future children. i personally don't think we need to feel obligated to use the name just because we're the first to have kids. granted, the name goes pretty well with the girl's first name, but i'd like to honor my heritage as well. you know, to make it fair. after all, she's my kid too.

so i had an idea. JR, of course, shot it down and said it was crazy. but hear me out, folks. what if we used JR's last name as her middle name, and then used my last name (i kept my maiden name)? the girls in the family would have the same last name and the boys would have the same last name. but just so people wouldn't get too confused, the girl would still have the identifying mark of her father's last name as her middle name. and i would have the joy of having a child with my name. and, who knows, when she gets married she may choose to keep her maiden name and allow my last name to be used for at least another generation. that would mean something to me, especially since my biological father lost his only son and wouldn't have anyone else to continue the family name. it's an idea, don't you think?

nagging question at 3:30am

how is it that one person (i.e., me) can produce so much gas and mucus?!

if my car ran on my kind of gas instead of petroleum gas i'd be able to drive everywhere for free. seriously. it's that bad.

another week gone by

[edited: monday, october 24]

the days seem to be passing quickly and i'm down to 17 days before my due date. that seems awfully soon, but not soon enough.

i've been keeping myself busy by doing some more applique (pictures to follow once it's completed), thinking about future sewing projects (my current "obsession"), and getting things ready for the baby on occasion. and our weekend schedule is quite full since we're trying to cram a lot into our last few free days.

i started off this weekend by going out to brunch with my friend AY and her son D (that's them in the picture) at s&w country diner in culver city. i indulged in some good ol' southern food while swapping birthing and child-rearing stories with AY. gosh, i like her. after parting from their company i went to a scrapbook store down the street from s&w and bought a few sheets of pretty paper, even though they're totally overpriced. they were just so pretty!

tomorrow we're off to the natural history museum in the morning to see the "collapse?" exhibit with our friends R and A. we've been planning this museum excursion for months and we're just now getting around to it.

[the exhibit was actually pretty lame. i found the museum website's information on the exhibit just as informative as the actual thing. there just wasn't a lot to it. however, the fossils were good, as always. the boy took the blurry picture of R next to a triceratops donation box the boy affectionately dubbed "the vault."]

afterwards, JR and the boy are off to the ucla-oregon state football game at the rose bowl. no way in hell i'm going to that. instead, i plan to do some sewing and eating at my mom's house.

sunday will be just as busy. we have to get the boy registered for t-ball and then i plan to see my baa-chan, my grandma on my dad's side, since i won't be able to see her for awhile after having the baby (she's in a retirement community and doesn't travel well).

then the boy has a soccer game at 4; he's going to be exhausted and cranky, but hopefully that won't deter him from playing offense again this week (ever since the ball in the face incident he's preferred to play defense near the goal).

[the boy had a fabulous soccer week. he played offense, ran back and forth on the field numerous times at top speed, chasing the ball and kicking it. he also made a goal!! well, almost ... it hit the goal post and bounced towards the net, and then his teammate nudged it in. he's finally gotten over his fear of the soccer ball and seems to be enjoying himself.]

right after that we're off to dinner with my folks at a wonderful little french restaurant in little tokyo.

so, where in this schedule is there time to pick out paint for the girl's room and patch up the gigantic holes in the wall?? someone, please tell me!

what exactly are my priorities?

i'm not exactly sure at the moment. i think, maybe because i'm getting a bit anxious about the baby coming, my mind is totally frazzled. i should be worried that the baby's room is not ready and probably has to be painted. i should be worried that i haven't washed the baby's clothes yet or bought any diapers. i should be worried that i'm not totally packed for the hospital.

instead, i'm worried that i haven't finished embroidering the initial on the girl's birdie applique. i'm worried that i won't finish the chick & hen applique i'm making for the boy. i'm worried that i haven't started prepping the girl's birth announcements (some of you may not know but, as a side business, i make stationery).

i guess my nesting instincts are more about crafting than actually preparing for the baby.

JR and i were chatting before bed the other night about what special things we can do for the boy after the baby is born. we're kinda concerned about him feeling neglected/left out, especially since his 5th birthday is coming up in mid-november. we don't want that special occasion to be eclipsed by the girl's birth. as it is, JR already feels like he's doing more for the girl than the boy because he has to spend so much of the weekend preparing for the baby instead of playing ball with the boy. while JR's toiling away in the garage and moving furniture, the boy is often playing soccer or football in the backyard by himself. i think it hurts JR that he can't spend what little time he has on the weekend with his son.

i feel the same way. i feel wrong, after all these years of having just the boy, doing things for the girl first. and i don't want to make something for the girl without making something for the boy. i don't want to buy tons of cutsie baby clothes for the girl when the boy actually needs new clothes for the winter.

and, although i want things to be balanced and fair, i know that in reality it's not going to be that way for awhile. the girl is going to require much more attention in the beginning and the boy is going to suffer the consequences. i just don't want my "first baby" to feel like we don't love him or that he's not special to us, because he is soooo special to us.

so, a question to all those parents with more than one kid: what do you do to make all of your children feel like they have a special place in the family?

uncooperative, but healthy, child

the ultrasound of the girl showed she was growing just fine; she's currently weighing in at about 6 pounds, which would make her bigger than the boy if she gains half a pound a week like she's supposed to. phew! not that i was worried, but it was good to see things for myself. plus, JR came with me, which was nice since this is the first appointment he's been to.

we got a few minutes of video of her wriggling around, but she was pretty uncooperative. she had her hand in front of her face a lot of the time and then right after we put our video tape in, she decided to turn her back on us. so the technician only managed to get a picture of her foot. now at least we know she has one good foot! [sorry about the poor quality scan -- the foot is in the middle on its side with her itty bitty toes on the right.]

oy!

today is the start of week 37 of my pregnancy. only three more weeks to go; if the girl arrives early like the boy did, it could be as soon as two weeks. i'm getting a bit anxious. i now have constant heartburn (again), and indigestion, menstrual-like cramps, colostrum leaking, achy pelvis, exhaustion, general uncomfortableness ... you know, all that good jazz.

last night i woke up in the middle of the night because i have to constantly pee and couldn't get back to sleep. i decided to read up on the signs of labor (just in case) and, of course, that didn't help to put me to sleep. it only made me more anxious.

tomorrow morning JR and i are going to my ultrasound appointment to make sure the girl is growing all right. hopefully i'll have an image of her to upload afterwards. then on thursday i have my regular ob appointment, at which point dr. field may be able to reassure me that this girl ain't coming for awhile, or she's coming soon. i just want to know.

on a brighter note, my son read ten apples up on top! all by himself on the first try. it is an easy book, but he read the whole thing even though he got tired part way through it. it's an old copy from JR's collection, which we sorted through over the weekend. even JR, the not-so-prolific reader, has some childhood memories attached to certain books, this being one of them. it was cute to see him smile and reminisce as he went through his old books, and then to see him and his son reading his old book. awww!

feeling a bit creative

yesterday, after helping JR move some stuff into the garage and going through the boy's old clothes, i found myself with some time on my hands. and since JR was incredibly skeptical about me making anything for the girl's room, i decided to make something just to spite him.

i found an article in an old "martha stewart baby" magazine that had some cute farm animal appliques, and i figured, why not? i'm not particularly good with a needle and thread, so i did a felt applique instead (it doesn't require all of the prep work that applique with fabric that frays does). still, the handiwork isn't particularly good, so don't look too closely at the stitch work! but i did manage to applique the green grass, which is cotton -- turns out straight lines on fraying fabric are much easier to applique than curvy lines.

i plan to embroider the girl's initial above the chick and then put the whole thing in a small frame to decorate her wall.

as a total sidenote, we saw olympic ice skater michelle kwan at our local tj's, the second sighting this year! (she lives in a gated community nearby.)

working hard or hardly working?

yea, the weekend!

i think i got off to a good start today by getting some work done. i actually did some translating work, which i do on occasion; scrubbed the kitchen sink and counters; washed the dishes; folded a load of laundry; tidied (tidy-ed?) up just a bit; dealt with my weepy son who couldn't draw a dolphin; and talked with my in-laws when they came to pick up the boy for their weekly afternoon visit.

now that i've written down what i did today, it doesn't sound like i did much. but, sadly, this has been one of my more productive days. see, i told you i wasn't much of a housekeeper!

this weekend will require that i do more work than usual: the girl's room must come together, if only for the sake of JR's sanity (he stresses a lot). he plans to put the crib together and move the dresser from the boy's room to the girl's room (it has a changing table on top). that means i have to move more stuff into the garage, sort the boy's clothes from the dresser, and clean the floor in the girl's room.

i still don't think it's totally urgent to get the girl's room ready -- it's not like she's actually going to care what her room looks like for awhile, but it is better to get it done before she arrives. i know it'll get done; it's not that much more work. but the first thing my mother-in-law said when she walked into the room was, "oh my god!"

is it really that bad? c'mon, be honest with me!

freakonomics

i finished reading freakonomics last week. JR finished reading it awhile back and had mixed feelings about it. not that he's an economist, but JR has taken his share of econ classes and his work involves a lot of statistics and data, which the book deals with, so i think he found parts to be questionable. me, having also taken enough econ and stats classes during college but having never absorbed any of it, found the book more interesting. (have i ever mentioned how easily swayed i am by what i hear and read? JR calls me a marketer's dream.)

of course, i can see how difficult it would be to write an economics/stats book that's easily digestable by the general reading public and still be convincing to more academic types. but, in general, i thought it was a good, fun read and brought up some interesting topics to think about. (case in point, former secretary of education william bennett's "controversial" statement regarding abortion and the crime rate was triggered by a chapter in this book.)

i particularly thought chapter 5 -- "what makes a perfect parent?" -- would be of interest to readers of this blog. part of the chapter is based on a study called the early childhood longitudinal study, which was conducted in the late '90s and followed 20,000 elementary school aged children across the country. i don't want to get into the details of the study here because it could get long, but the data was subjected to a whole bunch of regression analysis to find correlations between the variables (a child's personal circumstances and his school performance).

in the end, based on the correlations, the authors say that the data, for the most part, show a student's success is more greatly influenced by factors which describe what the parents are rather than what they do. for example, the factor "the child has many books at home" is correlated with higher student test scores and the factor "the child's parents read to him nearly every day" is not.

it's kind of disturbing to read this because, as a parent, you hope that what you do for your child has some sort of influence on his success. in essence, this brings us back to the whole nurture-nature debate, which i still am sitting on the fence about. i look at my son and see the results of both his nature and our nurturing. but does our nurturing have a lot to do with our nature? hmm ... so much to think about.

i'm so proud

at school today the boy received a citizenship award for his class. granted, two kids from each class get selected each month, but i'm so happy that his teacher recognized him not only for academic achievement but also for getting along with his friends and classmates.

when i spoke to her a couple of weeks ago she was telling me what she noticed about the boy. she's noticed that he's not rambunctious like the other boys and will remove himself from situations where other kids are getting out of hand. she also said that even if other kids bother him, he tries not to tattle so as not get them in trouble. she just worries that because he's so mellow other kids might try to bully him (especially since he's small in stature too). i hope that i've given him the skills to deal with situations like that should they arise. but it's also reassuring to know that the teacher understands my child's personality. that makes such a difference in the classroom.

a year ago

[this is the long post i mentioned last week. it's not as long as i thought it would be because when i actually sat down to write it, the words just wouldn't come out. i have so much going on inside of me about this to this day, but i don't know if i'll ever be able to accurately express my feelings.]

as it says in my profile, my current occupation is "peggy hill" -- i'm a substitute teacher in the elementary grades. i enjoy it and i think i'm pretty good at it, too.

but before i became a sub, i worked in an elementary school for a couple of years. in the spring of 2004 i started to think about having a full-time career, and thought i would try my hand at being a teacher.

i applied to the credentialing/master's degree program at ucla. it's progressive, relatively close to my house, pretty cheap and a great program. well, i got wait-listed and then rejected. perhaps because my work experience hadn't been in urban education, which the program emphasizes greatly. who knows. so i was down for awhile, not knowing what i should do next.

then, lo and behold, i get a call from the university intern program at ucla asking me if i'd be interested in applying. i would start working immediately and take classes at night and on the weekend to get credentialed (the program takes about 2 years to complete). i jumped at the chance, thinking this would be the perfect way to get everything done at once while making a salary. so i interviewed, got accepted and started looking for a job at an urban elementary school. i called over 200 schools to see if they were hiring and faxed off dozens of resumes.

within a week or so i got an interview at two schools, one in watts (yes, the same watts that had the race riots in the '60s) and one in downtown los angeles. i don't want to mention the schools' names, so i'll just call the watts school, school X. the school X interview was first and it went really well. the principal was new, having just replaced the previous principal who retired. it was his first year as principal. he was enthusiastic about hiring me but told me to go home and think about it because the school's not in a good area. i left with a good impression of him and the school. as i was driving away i was already 85% decided that i was going to accept the position, even without interviewing at the other school. i honestly don't remember the discussion i had with JR that night about my decision. but i think my mind was already made up by that time, and i called the principal in the morning to accept the offer.

a few days of jumping through bureaucratic hoops at the district office followed, and then taking a week-long new teacher course before starting the extensive staff development they offer at school X. i was already very busy a month and a half before school was to start. there were about 12 other new teachers at school X that fall so we got to know each other pretty well as we tried to set up our classrooms, understand what it meant to teach at school X (there were some pretty stringent guidelines because school X is part of a special program run through the district), and running from staff development class to staff development class.

i was totally excited about this new step in my life. i was going to have my own classroom, my own "kids," i was going to make a difference.

then school started and everything fell apart. i was unprepared -- all that staff development hadn't done anything to truly prepare me for the reality of teaching in an urban school. i was used to something completely different and i panicked. but that's just an excuse. the bottom line is that i didn't prepare myself enough to handle the beginning of the school year in the proper way. i didn' t have a plan to set up routines and effective discipline, which these kids desperately needed. i totally started off on the wrong foot and it was extremely difficult for me to right that wrong.

goodness knows i tried to "start over." i tried so hard to find ways to get the kids to be successful. i sought help from my principal and instructional coach. i observed veteran teachers. i prepped at home from 4am until i left to go to work at 6:45 every morning, and stayed at school until 5. at that point i made myself go home to see my son. but the harder i tried, the more pressure i put on myself and the kids, and the more i felt like a failure. i was having anxiety attacks every morning, throwing up, not eating, and only being able to sleep when exhaustion took over. i was so frustrated and confused -- the more i tried the more i floundered.

and i was letting everybody down: my students, my principal, my family, myself. i wasn't able to give anything the proper amount of attention to do anything satisfactorily. at least, not to my standards. and that just added to the pressure.

and then i did the worst thing. i quit. i couldn't handle it well enough that i felt i would ever be successful. and i was truly neglecting my son and husband. JR knew it would be hard and he would have to pick up a lot of the slack around the house, but i just couldn't stand not being there for the boy. i didn't see him before leaving for work and when i picked him up from daycare at 5:30pm i was too tired to do anything fun with him. i fell on the couch and my mind was just mush, thinking about work, work, work -- how horrible the day was and the prep work i still had to do for the next day. the boy would ask me to play and i just couldn't. i was giving other peoples' children more attention than my own, and no job was worth that.

so i quit one month into school starting. i knew i disappointed a lot of people, and i felt horrible abandoning the students. but i also felt that, as first graders, they deserved a better teacher to get their elementary education started. it's the hugest failure of my life, but i don't regret the decision. i still believe i did the right thing in the long run, even though i quit so quickly. and, to be honest, i was kinda embarrassed that i couldn't cut it and quit like that. but i had my priorities and my reasons for doing so and i wasn't going to allow other people to make me feel bad about it.

i still think about the students (it's just recently that i've stopped thinking of them as "my kids") a lot, wondering how their year went. i still feel compelled to apologize to the principal repeatedly. i still think of how i could've done things differently. and i'm still afraid to commit to becoming a teacher. i still fear failure ... again.

in hindsight, i rushed into things without thinking through what it means to be an educator. i made a huge mistake by getting caught up in the excitement of having my own classroom, instead of focusing on what it means to be a truly good teacher. i've admired teachers always, but this experience has increased my admiration a hundred-fold. teachers aren't nearly respected enough, paid enough, or listened to enough.

and, one good thing has come of all of this: i was able to get pregnant with my second child because i wasn't working full-time. so maybe things work out the way they do for a reason ...

another small baby?

the boy was born 10 days early; he weighed 6 pounds 15 ounces, and measured 18.5 inches. not a very big baby. in fact, i was only in the delivery room for about 3 hours when he was born, and i wasn't pushing for very long either.

i'm hoping this one will be just as "easy" [note: childbirth is never easy]. after all, they do say subsequent births are faster and easier.

there were some small hints today that perhaps things will go well when the time comes. at my ob appointment i found out i've only gained about a pound in the last month (half a pound since my last appointment two weeks ago) and i'm measuring smaller than the number of weeks i'm pregnant. so the doctor ordered another ultrasound, which i will probably do next week. she's not really worried because i have another month until my due date, but just to be on the safe side. i don't mind at all having a small baby so i'm not particularly worried either. in fact, it'll be nice to get another ultrasound if they're going to give me a printout. i'd like to see what the little girl looks like at 37 weeks!

p.s. we also checked to make sure her head is down, which it is. she has a nicely shaped noggin. :)

my little sister

happy birthday, A!

my little sister turns 22 today. when i talked to her she said she felt old, but really, she's still just a kid. and she'll always be my baby sister, no matter how old she is.

have a fun birthday weekend, girlie! be safe. love you.

oops ... i did it again

if you know me, you know that i suffer greatly from an extreme case of know-it-all-ism. i truly cannot help chiming in with whatever tidbits i know, trying to finish people's sentences, and generally being annoying. well, my disease struck again today.

i went to the boy's school to volunteer this morning, completely forgetting there's a sub. i tried to be as deferential to the sub as i could be -- truly, i tried. i held my tongue for as long as i could but the poor sub (an older gentleman) didn't know the morning routine and the kids were just going bonkers trying to tell him what to do. the mom and substitute teacher in me just couldn't stand by and do nothing. so i started acting like a sub myself, telling the kids to behave and coming very very close to taking over the class.

the sub, mr. B, didn't seem overly bothered by my interruptions. after all, i know the kids a bit better and i've been around the classroom enough to know the routine. still, i felt bad doing it. but i also knew that if i didn't chime in there would be more confusion, talking, and unproductivity.

however, even i was a bit exasperated by my inability to control my teacher-ly instincts. i'm sorry.

score!

i found the most adorable birdy cushion on lily's rooster's blog, which she made for her own baby. i couldn't resist and bought one for the girl's room since we're going with a chick/birdy theme. it arrived today and the boy and i are thrilled with it! not only is it gigantic and pink and soft, it's just sooooo darn cute!

lily's rooster was kind enough to make the boy a blue birdy snappy patch after i told her how much he looooooves birdies. he took the picture below to show his new little pal.

once the baby's room is in order i'll post some of the other chick/birdy stuff the boy and i have collected over the years.

oh yeah, check out lily's rooster's other merchandise at www.lilysrooster.com -- she makes some really cute bat totes that would be perfect for halloween!

coming to you live from the garage

the dismantling of the office/craft room continues. this past weekend JR removed all of the computer equipment from inside the house and set it up in the garage. it's kinda weird having to walk out of the house to check my email ... well, technically, we have a laptop we can use inside the house, but i like my big ol' desktop to go online. luckily, the wireless reaches out here so we haven't yet had any problems with the internet hookup. [cross fingers and knock on wood now.] with the computer being out here i have a feeling i won't be online as much, so the frequency of postings may also go down. we'll have to see ...

in other happenings, this past weekend we went to the hometown fair in manhattan beach, where JR and i grew up. i always get the gigantic bbq-ed turkey leg, but they didn't have the booth this year. bummer. instead i settled for funnel cake and a pepperbelly. i also finished reading jonathan safran foer's extremely loud and incredibly close. it was good and sad and interestingly written. and, i went out to lunch with my mom today. sushi -- yum! she's friends with the sushi chef so we get special treatment. i finished off the lunch with ice cream with homemade azuki (red bean). love that stuff, even more than ice cream with chocolate.

i'm also getting a long post ready for publishing sometime this week. stay tuned!

the addiction that is sudoku

even before the sudoku craze hit the states, my parents (especially my dad) have really been into this game. although it has a japanese name it's actually a western game (at least, according to wikipedia).

anyway, my parents play it constantly; mom buys sudoku game books in japan & dad copies the daily sudoku from the la times. it's an activity (like golf and mahjong) that my parents can enjoy together but (unlike golf and mahjong) they don't really have to talk to each other. everyone wins!

i resisted playing for some unknown reason, but lately i've played a game here and there (especially after i found the link to web sudoku from grudge girl's blog) and i can see how people get addicted. i personally like the web version because it lets you check your answers as you go along and it's easier to "erase" your mistakes. basically, it's less frustrating.

last night after dinner at my parent's house, they were settling in for another evening of sudoku. the boy shows some interest (because he loves numbers) and my dad basically pounces on this opportunity to teach the boy how to play. not surprisingly, the boy catches on quickly and we all comment on how he's smarter than my sister (who happens to be 21). well, we were just sort of kidding since the boy still requires a bit of help to complete the game and my sister did, eventually, catch on. [A, if you're reading this, i'm just kidding -- i swear!]

today, after school, i sit down with the boy to play web sudoku on the easy level. it takes a bit longer to play with him because we talk through each step, but he totally gets the logic behind the game. for the most part he figured it out on his own. i wouldn't be surprised if he could do the easy ones without help in no time if he keeps this up.

so, parents out there -- if you have a kid interested in numbers or logic games, i highly recommend sudoku! sure, it sounds nerdy but i'm confident it will come in handy in the future ... somehow.

vivid dreaming leads to introspection

as tired as i am, i've had some sleepless nights. it's just so uncomfortable. there are times when i feel like i'm sleeping consciously, as if i'm half awake and half asleep. because of that i remember my dreams more vividly.

early this morning i was sort of asleep, but i was also aware that i was dreaming and what i was seeing wasn't real. i was on an incredibly high bridge over a river. i had my legs dangling over the side, looking either way to see how wide the river was. in the background, someone who sounded like ord from "dragon tales" (a pbs cartoon), was saying that he had a friend who jumped off this bridge for fun. immediately to my right, i see my son (who can't swim) standing on the ledge of the bridge. "i can do it, too," he says. and before i can say anything, he lets go and i watch in silence as his little body falls and falls and falls. the bridge is so high. the longer i watch the more uneasy my legs feel, like they're going to give out from under me, even though in reality i'm lying in my bed. my eyes open before he hits the water.

i hate dreams like this one, but i wasn't too shaken up. i even went to the bathroom before checking up on the boy. i always do after a bad dream. i looked at his sleeping face and the calm i felt before vanished. just the thought of something happening to him, even in a dream, made me cry. if anything were to happen to my baby (as i still think of him sometimes) i would be devastated. that was the only word i could think of: devastated. so i stood there and just watched him sleep for a couple of minutes, trying to get a grip.

i realize that my pregnancy hormones are making me a bit more emotional than usual, but i had a hard time falling asleep after that. i lay in bed, thinking about how much my little boy means to me. even though i don't pay attention to him all the time and i go around doing my own thing, he really is number one in my life.

i haven't felt anything remotely similar to that with the girl in my belly. of course, i want to protect her and love her, but i don't yet know her. and, because of that, i'm not sure if i can shed tears for her the way i have for the boy. that's not to say i won't eventually feel the same way about both my children, but the boy has five years on the girl. five years of being an only child and being the sole light of my life. (JR is an entirely different kind of love, so i don't count him here.) i wonder if that will make a difference ...

it's happening!

there was a period when i stopped "working on" the baby's room, which is currently the craft room/office. i just couldn't give up my craft room, which JR and my best friend JL redecorated for me last summer for my birthday a la "while you were out." all of my stuff is in this room -- it's my haven and where i go to relax and get away from everyone and everything. it's my room. but everything has to be moved out -- either to the living room or the garage -- and i'm having a difficult time letting go.

this last weekend JR cleared out more space in the garage to start setting up my new craft area. i don't want to be in the garage, but i have so much stuff there's really no other alternative (short of buying a new house with an extra bedroom). i also started moving some of my scrapbooking stuff into the living room area. my craft room is coming apart.

the picture shows just one corner of the incredibly messy room in its current state. there used to be a big desk between the overflowing table and bookshelves under the window. the brackets on the wall once held yellow shelves with a light green pegboard underneath. and that's just a few of the big things that have been moved out of the craft room. there's still so much more that needs to be done.

it makes me sad walking into the room as it is now. i don't know what to do with myself when i come in here. it used to be that i'd come in and plop myself down at my desk, whether to craft or read. i can't do that anymore and it makes me sad.

i should be incredibly excited and happy about creating a space for my daughter but, honestly, i haven't yet reached that emotional point yet. am i a selfish mother? probably. but that's the honest truth right now. we'll have to see how things change as we finish moving things out and really start redecorating.

treasure #1

on occasion i'd like to highlight something special to me ... especially as i go through all of my things during this long decluttering process, i'm bound to come across a long-lost treasure or a treasure i have to toss out. so i'm going to document some stuff here.

my first treasure is something i probably won't be able to get rid of for awhile longer. it was a gift from my maternal grandmother when i started playing the violin back when i was 11 or so. it's a small figurine made out of wood (i think), measuring 3-1/2 inches tall. it used to sit on top of the upright piano in my parents' living room and it looked down on me as i practiced the violin everyday.

i loved my obaa-chan ('grandma' in japanese) so much. she lived in kobe and i visited her every summer from the age of three until i was a sophomore in high school. i spent at least 2 months out of the year with her and my ojii-chan (grandpa). and i visited them numerous times after that. needless to say, i was very close to them. they also spoiled me rotten because i was their first grandchild and i lived so far away. but that doesn't mean they didn't help to raise me properly -- they scolded me when i was bad, praised me when i accomplished something, comforted me when i cried, and taught me so much.

i think my obaa-chan gave me this angel so that she could watch over me, cheesy as that sounds. i know she loved me and wanted to be there for me always. but the distance kept us apart for most of the year, and i think she gave me stuff so that i would have reminders of her everywhere i looked.

and i can't say that, as a child, i understood or appreciated that very much. as you can see from the picture, the angel's fingers are broken, the bow is missing, and the violin neck broke off. it fell off the piano countless times and it never hurt me when a part of the angel broke. it was like, "oh, well." and that was it. it had no emotional meaning to me. but now i look at it and i always think of my obaa-chan and how much we loved each other.

my obaa-chan passed away after a long battle with cancer when i was a junior in college. i miss her so much, and my mom and i talk about how sad it is that she never got to meet her great-grandson. she would've loved him so much ...

[side note 1: as much as i love my obaa-chan, she was a crazy lady. no question about that. in fact, from what my mom tells me, she was probably a pretty crappy mother. but there's something about a grandchild that changes a person, i think (i see that with my mom, too). and she continues to be an incredibly special person to me. she taught me how to eat corn on the cob, but that's another story for another day.]

[side note 2: i don't really see the angel as a reminder of my violin playing days. i sucked at playing the violin ... and the piano, for that matter. i'm just not musically inclined, i guess. i played the violin for five years and i was horrible. i never learned the scales, all of the pieces sounded scratchy, and it was, honestly, a huge waste of time. my poor parents shelled out lots of money they really didn't have so i could have private lessons and i appreciate that. my mom drove me every week to my lessons, endured the horrible sounds coming from that instrument, listened to my lying ("uh, sure i practiced."), and had to pay money for the wonderful experience! sorry mom & dad. but at least i appreciate listening to good music!]

i'm back ...

not that i went anywhere! the last few days i've been preoccupied with the book fair at the boy's school. i volunteered to work on it during the summer, but it turns out i guess i volunteered to organize it. now, i'm not new to the book fair world -- not only was it my favoritest (yes, i know that's not a word) event in elementary school, but i've worked on a few incredible (very involved) book fairs at the school i used to work at.

the boy's book fair, in contrast, is basically taken care of by scholastic, inc. and all i had to do was get some volunteers and advertise the event. but having never done a scholastic book fair and being new to the school i was a little lost. but with some great help (thanks barbara!) and a few sleepless nights just worrying about it, the event was pretty successful (we made more money than the last book fair -- something i was extremely worried about accomplishing) and i managed to implement a couple of new things. so, i feel i've done my share of pta volunteering for at least the first half of the school year. yea!

unfortunately, while i worked on the book fair, i managed to neglect all of the housework and the kitchen has, once again, fallen into a state of disrepair. i just don't understand why i can't, at least, manage to do the dishes everyday. well, actually, i know the answer to that mystery: my pregnant stomach does not allow me to comfortably stand in front of the sink without straining my back. yesterday my doctor said i should delegate that task to someone else, which made me very happy. one less thing for me to do!

instead of doing dishes i should be doing something else ... what should i do? i think i'll spend the rest of the afternoon thinking about it and taking a nap. sounds good to me!

so annoying

it started raining late last night with thunder and lightning. i don't think we've seen moisture since the january rains. living in a pretty dry place, rain can be a bit annoying, no matter how small the rainfall. it's funny 'cause i used to live in a place where it would rain non stop for weeks on end. and not just wimpy drizzling rain, but torrential downpours. living like that i got used to constantly being drenched and the waterproof stuff wearing off of my umbrella. but now ... now it seems like such a hassle to walk the 2 minutes to the boy's school in a drizzle.

what's more annoying is that people in los angeles just don't know how to drive in the rain. i don't know if you can even call it "rain" -- they don't know how to drive when the ground is even slightly wet! i live on a fairly busy intersection of our residential neighborhood and all morning long i've been listening to people's tires slipping on the road. coming home from the supermarket i saw a lady (in a suv -- surprise!) totally drive into the hedges of the median while trying to turn a corner. do these people not know to slow down when the road's slick?!

i'm sure if i turn the news on they'll have "storm watch '05" going all day long. ha! storm?? talk about la people being drama queens!

do i dare?

found a cute crafting blog called the small object (through momomoogie's blog). she has a free pattern for an elephant tote bag that i'm so tempted to try. not that i need another tote bag. not that i need to go out and buy more materials. not that i need another crafting project to put on my long list of "that's so cute -- i gotta make it!" stuff. and not that i have time. but i might ...

and, what am i doing up at 3am, you ask? do you even need to ask a pregnant woman why she's up at 3am?!

33 weeks.

music :: death cab for cutie --> plans

well, i'm down to 7 more weeks before unleashing this child into the world. things are getting a bit more uncomfortable:

my stomach sticks out more. i appear to be carrying more in the front than all around my hips and butt. JR attributes this to being my second pregnancy and my hips have already done all the expanding they needed to do during pregnancy #1. others have said it's because it's a girl this time.

bending over is out of the question, which means i can't: put on real shoes; cut my toenails; wipe very well after going potty; pick up things off the floor; get into the car very well.

i waddle.

i'm constantly pulling up my pants. what is up with these newer under-the-belly maternity pants?! slowly but surely they start falling down. the old-school maternity pants with the stretchy panel across the entire belly always stayed up, even if they looked funky. now i always feel like i'm exposing my butt crack to the entire world.

either i sleep too much or i can't sleep at all. some nights/days i'm so tired i'll get lots of sleep. other nights i get up at odd hours, tossing and turning, having to go pee, or battling a raging runny nose.

my nose is always congested. every night poor JR has to suffer the resulting snoring and/or sneezing/nose blowing.

braxton-hicks contractions are a part of everyday life. my lower stomach tightens up at least 2 or 3 times a day. and my pelvic bone always hurts (this isn't a new development, though).

but according to my online pregnancy calendar the baby should start moving less in my stomach because she's getting bigger and has less room to move around. so far she has shown absolutely no sign of calming down. great.

i guess i spoke too soon

it seems i update more about my toilet than i do about anything else, but here's the udpate: barry came on saturday to reinstall the toilet. everything went smoothly and all we had to do was wait a few hours to let the caulking dry before using it. but things couldn't be that easy, right?

it wasn't long before i remembered one of the reasons why i called the plumber in the first place -- that dang phantom flushing. it started up again ... with a vengeance. i didn't notice it too much at first, but at 6:30 this morning it was going off every minute for about 5~10 seconds. over and over and over and over again. JR got up cursing and just turned the water off. after we were a bit more conscious he started tinkering with the flap and chains inside the tank (as per "ask this old house" on pbs) but nothing worked. so we headed out to home depot this morning and got a new flapper. of course, in the end, it was just a screw that needed to be tightened. at least, i hope that's all it is. so i'm keeping my fingers crossed -- i haven't heard the phantom flushing in about 2 hours now.

this week in soccer

the boy had his second game today. it was scheduled for later in the day, so i should've anticipated that his tiredness might affect his performance. it didn't help that the kick-off ball smashed into his face 2 seconds into the game. he was startled and i'm sure it hurt, too, so he started crying. i was pretty annoyed mad at the other team's players who were snickering, even though the coach was telling them it wasn't funny and someone could really get hurt. anyway, the boy sat out the first quarter and we gave him a little pep talk; i knew, however, that this incident was going to put a damper on his attitude a bit.

it's not that he didn't keep trying, but he was hesitant when he got close to the ball. his step slowed down the closer he got to the action and he was teary-eyed between periods, telling JR he was nervous. but he played through it and managed to nudge the ball around a couple of times. but clearly, this was not as great a game as last week.

the opposing team (we'll call them TT) was good, and they scored more goals, but something seemed amiss with one of their players. i have to admit i may be biased because we were playing against them, but this kid was playing kinda dirty. our team has younger, and therefore, smaller kids. that also means they're not as good, coordinated or skilled. but we have one player, #8, who has great foot work, kicking ability, and knowledge of the game (for someone his age). #8 had the ball when the TT player kicked him in the shin and tripped him, hard. from our standpoint it totally looked intentional but nothing was done. later in the game, something similar happened. neither the TT coach nor the referee said anything to the kid. but the TT coach was pretty vocal about strategy and telling his players where to be and what to do. it was like good sportsmanship and enjoying the game wasn't as important as getting the ball and scoring. now, i could totally be wrong -- maybe it was an accident, or maybe the coach had words with the kid. i honestly don't know. and, you'd hope that a 6-year-old wasn't being taught that it was okay to play rough and trip opponents. all i can say is that something about today's game made me a bit disillusioned. (it also didn't help that both my parents and my mil were in the background making silly comments through the entire game!)

JR was kinda pissed off about it and when we got home he said, "i hope i don't turn into one of those intense parents." but if there's poor sportsmanship and unnecessary roughness (especially at this young age), i don't think it's "intense" or going overboard to be concerned. i really believe that parents and adults are responsible for guiding children to understand what the point of the game is. if all that's going to be emphasized is winning at any cost, then i know what my position will be when next season starts.

the boy's final comments on today's game: "part way through the game i just wished we had halftime ten times!"

edited at 8:16pm: after the boy woke up from his nap we asked him how he felt about the game. he didn't seem overly phased by what happened and said it was a pretty good game. i guess my kid is more resilient than his over-protective mama ... and a good nap can fix almost anything!

edited the next day: the more i think about it, the more upset i am about those boys snickering at my son. i was so close to scolding them right then and there but i needed to make sure the boy was okay. what bothers me more is that the boy heard their laughing too because he later told JR the other team was teasing him. when i heard that, it really tugged at my heart and i wished there was something i could say or do to make those kids apologize. and it makes me so sad to see little kids with no empathy. JR must've still been thinking about it too because, this morning in bed, he said the TT team is kinda like the mean, bad team in all sports movies. i feel kinda bad talking about little 6-year-olds like this, but it's so natural to go into defensive mode when you know your kid has been hurt. such is the life of a parent.